12.1.10

Chaos Theory

Doesn’t it get on to your nerves when you just can’t decide one goddamn thing? All of a sudden, you turn into an indecisive nincompoop from being the determined, sorted hard-to-crack nut? That there are so many choices, you realise there’s no real choice at all! You stick to a rut just so you can avoid stepping out of line and be pinned down for an injury – whether ‘tis to yourself or another? You find yourself all alone, even though whatever may happen, you’ll still have a bunch’a people to love you and support you?

For every step you take, there’s a pothole waiting to suck you in and spit you out; your energy all drained and left to restore by unscrupulous means – means that you may never have explored, or even known. People from as varied backgrounds as each day in your life, doling advice (or worse yet, shooting questions) to which you may not be prepared or have the intellect to respond.

There is a heightened need within to “verbalise” everything I feel, sometimes to the point of hyperventilating. Like sophisticated melodrama – what an oxymoron! I’ve been told to not “think so much” but the point is, not everything you think needs to be blurted out. Even if someone asks. Even if it may take you somewhere in the scheme of things. All you’re doing is creating a more intricate mesh that appears to be impenetrable.

Verbalising yourself seems to give tough situations rigidity and concrete form that is more difficult to destroy, combat, knock off, mitigate, defy, resolve. Mr. Nilose spoke of clarity coming out of chaos at a conference held early last year for senior executives of the Heavy Engineering Division of L&T. Back then, the chaos was of noise, of what was tangible. This time, the chaos is within, and Mr. Nilose’s thought comes to the rescue.

As Aakash says to Sameer when the latter’s in a dilemma of how to tell Pooja that he loves her, in Dil Chahta Hai, “Mere bhai, kisi ko kuch matt bol! Tera koi bharosa nahinaaj Pooja, kal koi duja!”

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